A very very dear friend of mine called me on my birthday from India. And although I was pleasantly surprised, I wasn't shocked. I knew she'd wish me, I knew she'd remember. When I was to leave for America back in 2004, she came home to visit me a week or so prior; she cried, when she had to leave. I was so touched. Everytime I visit India, she travels all the 2 hours it takes to come meet me.
Another awesome friend I have has bent over backwards helping me in undergraduate school. She always made sure I had the right notes, that I had my assignments done, she wrote programs and printed out assignments for me, and what-not.
Do I do as much for them in return? Not even close. And, my first instinct is to use the cliched sentence 'I couldn't repay them even if I wanted to!' That is bullshit. I love these friends of mine like family. But, I am guilty of being stingy with my gratitude.
And here is the gist of the problem: I only give enough oil to run the motor.
I know exactly how much push is required to keep the wheel rolling and that's all that I do. The reason I do more for some friends and less for some friends has nothing to do with how much I love them. This is where the 'taking for granted' term comes in. In that, we're all subconsciously manipulative (for lack of a better word) albeit, to different degrees.
I have no opinion on this. Logically, yeah, now that I am aware, I'll definitely make more of an effort. But, on the whole, I'll always know what each friendship takes and supply at least the minimum.
Don't ever say 'I couldn't even if I wanted to'. That's a lie.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Friday, November 16, 2007
Loves me, loves me not, loves me, loves me not, loves me...
I saw a movie recently where the girl gives the guy one of those glass paperweights with the figurines inside and you shake it up good, tiny flakes give the impression of a white winter. My sister-in-law whispered in my ear, "That looks so good in the movie, but if someone gave it to you in real life..."
"...I'd throw it on his face, the cheap bastard!" And then we both laughed.
The more we know, the more mature we become, the more difficult to please. Suddenly, my boundary for sappy has gotten sharper. And then, very cruelly, I label the gifter as 'needy' or 'hopeless'. If I was landing at an airport and my friends/family got me flowers, I'd have laughed and teased them for welcoming me like a politician.
It's now so ridiculous to wait until the third date to hold hands, so old-school to be satisfied with just lovelorn looks. He should be ready and romantic and each anniversary demands more and more. A gift after candlelight. And there are two choices for the kind of gift expected--expensive or thoughtfully personalized.
There's multiple factors to this of course, such as, the person and also the thought/intention behind the act. But, for my part, I don't want to be the one ruining a good thing with my stupid notions of should-be. I want the sap back. I want 'corn' and 'cheese' and I want to be able delight in it. And I want to be touched to tears by old-world romance.
Ah, to be young and foolish again! :)
"...I'd throw it on his face, the cheap bastard!" And then we both laughed.
The more we know, the more mature we become, the more difficult to please. Suddenly, my boundary for sappy has gotten sharper. And then, very cruelly, I label the gifter as 'needy' or 'hopeless'. If I was landing at an airport and my friends/family got me flowers, I'd have laughed and teased them for welcoming me like a politician.
It's now so ridiculous to wait until the third date to hold hands, so old-school to be satisfied with just lovelorn looks. He should be ready and romantic and each anniversary demands more and more. A gift after candlelight. And there are two choices for the kind of gift expected--expensive or thoughtfully personalized.
There's multiple factors to this of course, such as, the person and also the thought/intention behind the act. But, for my part, I don't want to be the one ruining a good thing with my stupid notions of should-be. I want the sap back. I want 'corn' and 'cheese' and I want to be able delight in it. And I want to be touched to tears by old-world romance.
Ah, to be young and foolish again! :)
Sunday, November 11, 2007
The Secret Ingredient of Fevicol
This post is a polished version of a 'happy' email sent to somebody a few months ago:
My best friend and me have almost nothing in common. Its a Hollywood vs Bollywood, Aerosmith vs Sukhwinder Singh, Outdoors vs Indoors kind of a friendship. We don't even have a common life anymore. So then, what do we talk about? How are we so close? Who knows!
One of my good friends since childhood, I was so rude to. I didn't notice her haircut, I didn't like her boyfriend(s), I called her fat--and yet, I was one of her best friends. I have friends that can get away with being lazy and snobbish and completely irrational and I just shrug and love them.
My best friend and me have almost nothing in common. Its a Hollywood vs Bollywood, Aerosmith vs Sukhwinder Singh, Outdoors vs Indoors kind of a friendship. We don't even have a common life anymore. So then, what do we talk about? How are we so close? Who knows!
One of my good friends since childhood, I was so rude to. I didn't notice her haircut, I didn't like her boyfriend(s), I called her fat--and yet, I was one of her best friends. I have friends that can get away with being lazy and snobbish and completely irrational and I just shrug and love them.
Where does that 'click' sound come from in these relationships? You can make long theories about great conversation or great laughs, or common hobbies, or common lifes...and I will give you an example of a close friend that refutes all of that.
We all know people who we meet after several years and it's not awkward or boring, it's so refreshing catching up with them. Obviously, we also know the opposite of that, and how draining it is even to make certain formality birthday/Diwali/congratulatory phonecalls.
I may wonder often what that inexplicable bonding factor is, but the truth is, I don't want to know. I like a little 'magic' in my equations, it makes me value these close relationships a little more. It's so beautiful when I shake hands with you and there's stars; it's so beautiful when we can be silent with each other; it's so beautiful when I can stare in the same direction with you; it's so beautiful when I can look ugly in front of you, it's so beautiful that I feel safe and calm when I'm with you. And, it's most beautiful, that its you!
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Happy Diwali and Saal Mubarak, everyone :)
Thursday, November 1, 2007
What's the good word?
So, I need some advice. I need to know the correct facial expression and the correct thing(s) to say in the following situations--
1. Moms in grocery stores, malls, trains, restaurants with their 1/2 yr olds: As soon as you pass by to pick up a can of peas, there's a sudden surge of proactive parenting.
"Put that down, Cathy." The mother sees you coming closer.
The child is fidgety and curious, "What is it?"
"That's garbanzo beans."
"Garpachooo..."
"No...baby, gar-ban-zo, you remember we made that last Tuesday?" Then the mom will look at you. This is the key moment, where I mostly just smile. But, I'm pretty sure a compliment is needed. I need to know desperately what that compliment is! Anyway, I just take my peas and walk away as the mom continues explaining within my earshot.
Now, let me make an allegation here. If not for my presence, I think 8 out of 10 times, gar-ban-zo would be replaced by a firm "C'mon let's go. Put that down."
Please, please, I'm not judging. In fact, I wonder if I'll be this type of a mother, looking for strangers' approvals regarding how I treat my kids. Anyhow, right now, I am the stranger and I need to know the corresponding etiquette.
2. Friends reactions to mom's babies: This is close to the previous one. Say I'm with a bunch of my gal friends and we're shopping, suddenly there's cooing and wooing, "Awwwwwwwww!!!! So cute!!!" And then, before I know it, all my friends say nice things and circle around the baby, try to ask the name, and the poor tot scared hides behind his mother shyly answering so softly that the mother has to repeat the name louder for our benefit. Meanwhile, I'm two steps behind the crowd, clearly the bitch in the group. And there's an instance, when after all the compliments from all my friends are collected, the mother looks at me her eyes saying, 'Your turn!'. Another just-smile moment where I need to know the rules.
3. Going out with a couple: There's two subsections here. First, when they're 'loveying'. Most of the times, you'll notice that one of them is especially mushy and needy. They'll keep touching their mate or hugging or mock-whining. "I'm coooold." So, I don't know what to do when they're being like that. Am I supposed to look at them? Should I look away? It's even worse when the girl will hug the boy tight and ask me, "Awwww isn't he cute?!" Do I have to answer that?
Second is when they're fighting. And this is weird, because I'm what some 24 years old, so most of my friends don't really have hardcore issues. It's petty stuff like "Did you eat lunch today?" that can wait until after I leave.
Now, these individuals I do judge. Because, it does not not have to be like this. I have coupled friends who I love going out with because it's normal and I don't feel out of place in their conversations or interactions. I believe the insecure partners looking for my approval of their 'true love' act all overly couply in my presence. And quite frankly, it's just plain rude, kinda like being on the phone too long when you have company. My honest reaction to these moments is just boredom/annoyance, but that would be inappropriate especially since, most of the time, the guy pays for all of us ;)
4. When I'm asked to sing: After a lot of 'galaa kharaab hai' excuses, when the audience is finally set to listen, and the song is picked, I have no idea where to look while I'm singing. Do I look at one person, or the wall, or...the ceiling? Do I smile? Do I look sad?
--------------------------
There's several more of these question-mark incidents that occur so frequently and I never really know how to be, what to say. So, if you don't have any suggestions for me either, I don't blame ya! :)
1. Moms in grocery stores, malls, trains, restaurants with their 1/2 yr olds: As soon as you pass by to pick up a can of peas, there's a sudden surge of proactive parenting.
"Put that down, Cathy." The mother sees you coming closer.
The child is fidgety and curious, "What is it?"
"That's garbanzo beans."
"Garpachooo..."
"No...baby, gar-ban-zo, you remember we made that last Tuesday?" Then the mom will look at you. This is the key moment, where I mostly just smile. But, I'm pretty sure a compliment is needed. I need to know desperately what that compliment is! Anyway, I just take my peas and walk away as the mom continues explaining within my earshot.
Now, let me make an allegation here. If not for my presence, I think 8 out of 10 times, gar-ban-zo would be replaced by a firm "C'mon let's go. Put that down."
Please, please, I'm not judging. In fact, I wonder if I'll be this type of a mother, looking for strangers' approvals regarding how I treat my kids. Anyhow, right now, I am the stranger and I need to know the corresponding etiquette.
2. Friends reactions to mom's babies: This is close to the previous one. Say I'm with a bunch of my gal friends and we're shopping, suddenly there's cooing and wooing, "Awwwwwwwww!!!! So cute!!!" And then, before I know it, all my friends say nice things and circle around the baby, try to ask the name, and the poor tot scared hides behind his mother shyly answering so softly that the mother has to repeat the name louder for our benefit. Meanwhile, I'm two steps behind the crowd, clearly the bitch in the group. And there's an instance, when after all the compliments from all my friends are collected, the mother looks at me her eyes saying, 'Your turn!'. Another just-smile moment where I need to know the rules.
3. Going out with a couple: There's two subsections here. First, when they're 'loveying'. Most of the times, you'll notice that one of them is especially mushy and needy. They'll keep touching their mate or hugging or mock-whining. "I'm coooold." So, I don't know what to do when they're being like that. Am I supposed to look at them? Should I look away? It's even worse when the girl will hug the boy tight and ask me, "Awwww isn't he cute?!" Do I have to answer that?
Second is when they're fighting. And this is weird, because I'm what some 24 years old, so most of my friends don't really have hardcore issues. It's petty stuff like "Did you eat lunch today?" that can wait until after I leave.
Now, these individuals I do judge. Because, it does not not have to be like this. I have coupled friends who I love going out with because it's normal and I don't feel out of place in their conversations or interactions. I believe the insecure partners looking for my approval of their 'true love' act all overly couply in my presence. And quite frankly, it's just plain rude, kinda like being on the phone too long when you have company. My honest reaction to these moments is just boredom/annoyance, but that would be inappropriate especially since, most of the time, the guy pays for all of us ;)
4. When I'm asked to sing: After a lot of 'galaa kharaab hai' excuses, when the audience is finally set to listen, and the song is picked, I have no idea where to look while I'm singing. Do I look at one person, or the wall, or...the ceiling? Do I smile? Do I look sad?
--------------------------
There's several more of these question-mark incidents that occur so frequently and I never really know how to be, what to say. So, if you don't have any suggestions for me either, I don't blame ya! :)
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