And/Or

I load a 0.3 micron thin mask over my sample in a lithography system. The mask has sub-50 nm features and I've done over a hundred experiments to reach this stage. It should work. It has to work. Every ion in the system must cooperate. Please follow the Gaussian, please please please. Every dust particle will land anywhere but on the spot I want it to. A prayer, a shiver. A prayer. Please don't let the mask break. Please nothing should move. Please, please, please don't screw this up.

Nothing snaps. I still breathe. But do I get the 20nm patterns I want? Where science fails, God prevails.

In the great grand scheme of things and in the teeniest tiniest particulates of matter, every picosecond of 'is' and 'isnt', is or isn't.

Ever since I could afford insurance, this has become more and more clear. Will I die, won't I. Can I manage driving sans a collision from April through October? How much do I bet that I won't need a cavity filled up this year? And so, I gamble my existence. 500$ deductible. Maybe...1000?

I took a course 'Probability & Statistics' in grad school, a science designed to etch out a sample space of possibilities in 2D and 3D and nD and godknowswhat. Quantifying for the sake of mankind infinite random possibilities, neatly charting it to a Poisson distribution so we can be relieved that the unpredictability is predictable.

But, not all things are Poisson. And almost nothing is binary. Add to that my weak mental math skills. So, I supplement with Celestial Prophecy, The Secret, Power of Now, Power of Positive, Power of Prayer, learn to harness all my energy to think up a parking spot at 10:30 am Tuesday in the Engg Bldg lot. Murphy, leave me alone, dammit!!!

Some people take up Pessimism. Earnestly, sincerely. Upside is an ever-pleasant surprise when they push F5 and the program runs sans a red beeping 'Error!'. The downside is..well, pessimism.

Some people take up Optimism. Earnestly, sincerely. Gooooood Morning! Beautiful day, isn't it? I parked way out across the street, but it's okay, I enjoyed the walk. Don't worry, you'll definitely win the lottery this year.

The horoscope booklet my parents had made is almost as thick as my Masters thesis. Years that will be good for me, years that I must be wary of men and marriage, years that my tummy will ache. The Universe working hard to make me or break me and a How-To book for surviving in this cruel world.

If I ever forget how little control I have over the is's and isnt's, if I ever forget my place in the great grand scheme of things and the teeniest tiniest particulates of matter, I play a quiet game of Minesweeper.

Frankly Challenged

Excerpt from the movie 'In Good Company' (2004)
Carter Duryea (played by Topher Grace): I'm gonna have to let some people go.
Dan Foreman (Dennis Quaid): Why do you say let them go? They don't want to go. Why don't you just say fire them?
Carter Duryea: Because it sounds better.
Dan Foreman: Not to the person getting fired it doesn't.


We have today, H.R. departments, customer service representatives, and even doctors trained intensively in the fine art of diplomacy. There's a new glossary of terms like 'vertically challenged', 'dusky', and (haha!) 'independent'.

What would you rather have? Would you rather the pretty lady at the counter on Terminal B Gate 22 say 'I'm sorry we screwed up and overbooked. You have two options. Take a refund. Or we can book you onto another flight Tuesday night 11pm?'

This is assuming the same amount of information essentially is conveyed by both the good cop and bad cop. And, this is assuming we are perceptive enough to connect the dots etched out by the good cop.

If we do choose the harsh truth, does that make us masochists? Or....or do we want the other person to suffer a little too. Cringe a little in their seats, shift about crossing and uncrossing their legs, wince and say 'I can't see you anymore. I don't like you.'

Honestly, for me, it's mostly the latter.

As I'm sure for most people, we want to hear the facts like shards of glass. There is a tendency to believe that clarity is achieved this way--at the risk of sounding like an old wise Asian (!) teacher, 'Clarity is within you'.

I concede that this is a very gray area of discussion. There may also be times, when I'm curled up in denial and know that my friend is trying to tell me she doesn't approve of my taste in men, that I don't look good in skinny jeans anymore, but I don't want it said out loud. And if the conversation leads there inconsequentially even bordering on dangerous terrain, I might get rebellious and say 'Go on, say it. Say what you really mean, that you think I'm fat!'