True Neutral

I spent a lot of time in my 7th floor balcony studying for engineering exams in the early am hours around 2-3ish. Everything on the street was more interesting than my books. The men slept on the pavements, very few cars zoomed by, the shops were closed and very strangely for Mumbai, it was silent except for the creaking of my unoiled swing chains. Even the slightest noise or movement got my notice, I was desperate to look for a way out of learning about bistable multivibrators and Schmitt triggers.

A major part of my attention was devoted to the workers of Azad Hind Dairy due to the clear view unblocked by trees. They closed shop in the late hours of midnight after mopping the floor, packing the sweets, upping the benches, and accounting. Finally, they pulled the shutters down and closed the store. Two slept on the step ledge of the shop by the shutters, and the rest arranged their sheets and covers on the pavement. Everyone talked for a while and fell asleep. At 3:30-4:00 am the milk van came and the ledge-sleepers were delegated the task of opening the store to restock, yawning and stretching.

One night, the Street Retard (I really don't mean to offend, just can't think of another word) was walking by as the men were trying to sleep. They called out to him and he naively and very happily crossed the street over to them. He was asked to 'do his thing' which pretty much meant being himself, and they humored him so he kept going. I was so touched that they were being so nice to the guy. The fellow was so so excited he made some friends and a few minutes later when he left, there was an unmistakable bounce in his step.

The men were now laughing uncontrollably. One of them was aping their 'friend' and the rest of them were in splits. It took me a moment to realize they were teasing him. I mean I've seen this kind of stuff on TV but in real life, it was unbearable. I can be a sap sometimes, even cried a little.

I think about this incident a lot because of it's irony. The men had their laughs, and their new pal considered it his lucky day--I was probably the only victim of this scene!

Merrrrrrrrrrrrrry Christmas, y'all :)

The Art of Loving for Dummies

B.Com, B.A, B.Tech, M.S, MBA.....is the sad demise of a simple, clean, totally uncomplicated relationship. The more we've learnt and become 'globally aware' and 'career-oriented' suddenly there's new jargon to our lovelifes. There's commitment and no-commitment, there's ready and not-ready, there's like-but-no-love, there's mutually-exclusive and there's open, there's the famous soft-spot, and of course, the 'ex'-cess...because we're so complex, and educated. Because we know exactly what we want, and in the case of women (I tend to stereotype), we know exactly what we don't want.

And then, the final straw is the huge surge of expectation. We want our mates to be like God. Our best friend, our father, our brother, our everything. I want to be smug at my friends sleepovers and say 'My boyfriend is my best friend in the whole world' and they all must sigh and wish it was like that with them. I want to tell them how we started out as just-friends, then stepped up to good-friends and now we're best-friends and the best-lovers ever. And I want to tell my girlfriends how I share an absolutely fantastic platonic relationship with my ex-bf and we often meet for coffee and call each other every night to check each others pulses. So now, we want our mates to also, if need should arise, be a good ex-mate!

I am merging relationships and peoples and personalities. I want my boyfriend to be my best friend and I want my ex-lover to be my gay platonic best friend and I want my best friend to turn into my boyfriend and beyond that, I am still not ready for 'commitment' and 'marriage'. I want to start with open then go to exclusive but not committed, then go to committed and then if I am ready, probably think about the future. Reminds me of Karate class where each belt has three degrees and then you graduate on to the next color. Different levels for each degree, different responsibilities, different moves, different opponents.

These are the lengths we go to, these are the rules we learn, to protect ourselves from getting hurt, to get the much-needed nod from waitresses, friends, saleswomen, strangers. Yet, the only people that benefit from this little video game, are sitcom writers and the actors. And shrinks.

Mix-n-Match

Our French teacher tried to make class fun one day by having us play Chinese Whispers. She'd whisper a sentence in French to a student who would whisper it to another and so on; the last person repeated the sentence out loud which was always incorrect. In extreme cases, we had a prankster somewhere and the final outcome would be 'Aah-ringdingdingdingdingdingding!'

I find that with the export of Yoga and the import of Hollywood, a very similar thing is happening. Let me take for instance, a heavy word like Karma. The easy (read: Western) interpretation of this word has boiled down to a give & take of crime-punishment or good-reward. In my mind, if I am not wrong, there is no such thing as 'bad' Karma. Karma is duty. If it is wrong, then it isn't your duty/Karma. Duh. Hinduism does not endorse the good-reward relationship. It encourages you to forget about the reward, good is what you are supposed to do. You cannot reward people for not stealing or not killing.
Now, a big portion of the principle behind Karma relies on the concept of rebirth. So for those of us who do not believe in rebirth or Moksh, the simplistic definition suffices. Suddenly, a new understanding is developed, a combination of the Eastern wisdom and the Western beliefs.

Pizzas are spicier in India, kurtis worn so casually over jeans, the convenience of technology under a dome-shaped construction...ab dilli door nahi, meri jaan!
Practices and their whys are being misinterpreted/modified very gradually, until several years from now we'll have voila! new traditions, new stories, new whys.

Thus is the evolution of culture.

I agree with the elders constantly reminding us to not erase our traditions to replace them with new ones. I agree with the elders about learning and retaining the best of both worlds. However, each of our 'best' is different. Moreover, when it comes to alcohol, sex, giving up material pleasures for peace and meditation, we use 'best' as justification for getting out of...Karma! :)

That being said, I hope it has been noticed that we appreciate our own assets when the compliment is from outside. Validation is the human addiction. Previously worn by my doodhwala, the Madras pattern is now perfect for some of my cutest pjs.

Kitna hua?

A very very dear friend of mine called me on my birthday from India. And although I was pleasantly surprised, I wasn't shocked. I knew she'd wish me, I knew she'd remember. When I was to leave for America back in 2004, she came home to visit me a week or so prior; she cried, when she had to leave. I was so touched. Everytime I visit India, she travels all the 2 hours it takes to come meet me.

Another awesome friend I have has bent over backwards helping me in undergraduate school. She always made sure I had the right notes, that I had my assignments done, she wrote programs and printed out assignments for me, and what-not.

Do I do as much for them in return? Not even close. And, my first instinct is to use the cliched sentence 'I couldn't repay them even if I wanted to!' That is bullshit. I love these friends of mine like family. But, I am guilty of being stingy with my gratitude.

And here is the gist of the problem: I only give enough oil to run the motor.

I know exactly how much push is required to keep the wheel rolling and that's all that I do. The reason I do more for some friends and less for some friends has nothing to do with how much I love them. This is where the 'taking for granted' term comes in. In that, we're all subconsciously manipulative (for lack of a better word) albeit, to different degrees.

I have no opinion on this. Logically, yeah, now that I am aware, I'll definitely make more of an effort. But, on the whole, I'll always know what each friendship takes and supply at least the minimum.

Don't ever say 'I couldn't even if I wanted to'. That's a lie.

Loves me, loves me not, loves me, loves me not, loves me...

I saw a movie recently where the girl gives the guy one of those glass paperweights with the figurines inside and you shake it up good, tiny flakes give the impression of a white winter. My sister-in-law whispered in my ear, "That looks so good in the movie, but if someone gave it to you in real life..."
"...I'd throw it on his face, the cheap bastard!" And then we both laughed.

The more we know, the more mature we become, the more difficult to please. Suddenly, my boundary for sappy has gotten sharper. And then, very cruelly, I label the gifter as 'needy' or 'hopeless'. If I was landing at an airport and my friends/family got me flowers, I'd have laughed and teased them for welcoming me like a politician.

It's now so ridiculous to wait until the third date to hold hands, so old-school to be satisfied with just lovelorn looks. He should be ready and romantic and each anniversary demands more and more. A gift after candlelight. And there are two choices for the kind of gift expected--expensive or thoughtfully personalized.

There's multiple factors to this of course, such as, the person and also the thought/intention behind the act. But, for my part, I don't want to be the one ruining a good thing with my stupid notions of should-be. I want the sap back. I want 'corn' and 'cheese' and I want to be able delight in it. And I want to be touched to tears by old-world romance.

Ah, to be young and foolish again! :)

The Secret Ingredient of Fevicol

This post is a polished version of a 'happy' email sent to somebody a few months ago:
My best friend and me have almost nothing in common. Its a Hollywood vs Bollywood, Aerosmith vs Sukhwinder Singh, Outdoors vs Indoors kind of a friendship. We don't even have a common life anymore. So then, what do we talk about? How are we so close? Who knows!

One of my good friends since childhood, I was so rude to. I didn't notice her haircut, I didn't like her boyfriend(s), I called her fat--and yet, I was one of her best friends. I have friends that can get away with being lazy and snobbish and completely irrational and I just shrug and love them.

Where does that 'click' sound come from in these relationships? You can make long theories about great conversation or great laughs, or common hobbies, or common lifes...and I will give you an example of a close friend that refutes all of that.

We all know people who we meet after several years and it's not awkward or boring, it's so refreshing catching up with them. Obviously, we also know the opposite of that, and how draining it is even to make certain formality birthday/Diwali/congratulatory phonecalls.

I may wonder often what that inexplicable bonding factor is, but the truth is, I don't want to know. I like a little 'magic' in my equations, it makes me value these close relationships a little more. It's so beautiful when I shake hands with you and there's stars; it's so beautiful when we can be silent with each other; it's so beautiful when I can stare in the same direction with you; it's so beautiful when I can look ugly in front of you, it's so beautiful that I feel safe and calm when I'm with you. And, it's most beautiful, that its you!

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Happy Diwali and Saal Mubarak, everyone :)

What's the good word?

So, I need some advice. I need to know the correct facial expression and the correct thing(s) to say in the following situations--

1. Moms in grocery stores, malls, trains, restaurants with their 1/2 yr olds: As soon as you pass by to pick up a can of peas, there's a sudden surge of proactive parenting.
"Put that down, Cathy." The mother sees you coming closer.
The child is fidgety and curious, "What is it?"
"That's garbanzo beans."
"Garpachooo..."
"No...baby, gar-ban-zo, you remember we made that last Tuesday?" Then the mom will look at you. This is the key moment, where I mostly just smile. But, I'm pretty sure a compliment is needed. I need to know desperately what that compliment is! Anyway, I just take my peas and walk away as the mom continues explaining within my earshot.

Now, let me make an allegation here. If not for my presence, I think 8 out of 10 times, gar-ban-zo would be replaced by a firm "C'mon let's go. Put that down."

Please, please, I'm not judging. In fact, I wonder if I'll be this type of a mother, looking for strangers' approvals regarding how I treat my kids. Anyhow, right now, I am the stranger and I need to know the corresponding etiquette.

2. Friends reactions to mom's babies: This is close to the previous one. Say I'm with a bunch of my gal friends and we're shopping, suddenly there's cooing and wooing, "Awwwwwwwww!!!! So cute!!!" And then, before I know it, all my friends say nice things and circle around the baby, try to ask the name, and the poor tot scared hides behind his mother shyly answering so softly that the mother has to repeat the name louder for our benefit. Meanwhile, I'm two steps behind the crowd, clearly the bitch in the group. And there's an instance, when after all the compliments from all my friends are collected, the mother looks at me her eyes saying, 'Your turn!'. Another just-smile moment where I need to know the rules.

3. Going out with a couple: There's two subsections here. First, when they're 'loveying'. Most of the times, you'll notice that one of them is especially mushy and needy. They'll keep touching their mate or hugging or mock-whining. "I'm coooold." So, I don't know what to do when they're being like that. Am I supposed to look at them? Should I look away? It's even worse when the girl will hug the boy tight and ask me, "Awwww isn't he cute?!" Do I have to answer that?

Second is when they're fighting. And this is weird, because I'm what some 24 years old, so most of my friends don't really have hardcore issues. It's petty stuff like "Did you eat lunch today?" that can wait until after I leave.

Now, these individuals I do judge. Because, it does not not have to be like this. I have coupled friends who I love going out with because it's normal and I don't feel out of place in their conversations or interactions. I believe the insecure partners looking for my approval of their 'true love' act all overly couply in my presence. And quite frankly, it's just plain rude, kinda like being on the phone too long when you have company. My honest reaction to these moments is just boredom/annoyance, but that would be inappropriate especially since, most of the time, the guy pays for all of us ;)

4. When I'm asked to sing: After a lot of 'galaa kharaab hai' excuses, when the audience is finally set to listen, and the song is picked, I have no idea where to look while I'm singing. Do I look at one person, or the wall, or...the ceiling? Do I smile? Do I look sad?

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There's several more of these question-mark incidents that occur so frequently and I never really know how to be, what to say. So, if you don't have any suggestions for me either, I don't blame ya! :)