Mix-n-Match

Our French teacher tried to make class fun one day by having us play Chinese Whispers. She'd whisper a sentence in French to a student who would whisper it to another and so on; the last person repeated the sentence out loud which was always incorrect. In extreme cases, we had a prankster somewhere and the final outcome would be 'Aah-ringdingdingdingdingdingding!'

I find that with the export of Yoga and the import of Hollywood, a very similar thing is happening. Let me take for instance, a heavy word like Karma. The easy (read: Western) interpretation of this word has boiled down to a give & take of crime-punishment or good-reward. In my mind, if I am not wrong, there is no such thing as 'bad' Karma. Karma is duty. If it is wrong, then it isn't your duty/Karma. Duh. Hinduism does not endorse the good-reward relationship. It encourages you to forget about the reward, good is what you are supposed to do. You cannot reward people for not stealing or not killing.
Now, a big portion of the principle behind Karma relies on the concept of rebirth. So for those of us who do not believe in rebirth or Moksh, the simplistic definition suffices. Suddenly, a new understanding is developed, a combination of the Eastern wisdom and the Western beliefs.

Pizzas are spicier in India, kurtis worn so casually over jeans, the convenience of technology under a dome-shaped construction...ab dilli door nahi, meri jaan!
Practices and their whys are being misinterpreted/modified very gradually, until several years from now we'll have voila! new traditions, new stories, new whys.

Thus is the evolution of culture.

I agree with the elders constantly reminding us to not erase our traditions to replace them with new ones. I agree with the elders about learning and retaining the best of both worlds. However, each of our 'best' is different. Moreover, when it comes to alcohol, sex, giving up material pleasures for peace and meditation, we use 'best' as justification for getting out of...Karma! :)

That being said, I hope it has been noticed that we appreciate our own assets when the compliment is from outside. Validation is the human addiction. Previously worn by my doodhwala, the Madras pattern is now perfect for some of my cutest pjs.

Kitna hua?

A very very dear friend of mine called me on my birthday from India. And although I was pleasantly surprised, I wasn't shocked. I knew she'd wish me, I knew she'd remember. When I was to leave for America back in 2004, she came home to visit me a week or so prior; she cried, when she had to leave. I was so touched. Everytime I visit India, she travels all the 2 hours it takes to come meet me.

Another awesome friend I have has bent over backwards helping me in undergraduate school. She always made sure I had the right notes, that I had my assignments done, she wrote programs and printed out assignments for me, and what-not.

Do I do as much for them in return? Not even close. And, my first instinct is to use the cliched sentence 'I couldn't repay them even if I wanted to!' That is bullshit. I love these friends of mine like family. But, I am guilty of being stingy with my gratitude.

And here is the gist of the problem: I only give enough oil to run the motor.

I know exactly how much push is required to keep the wheel rolling and that's all that I do. The reason I do more for some friends and less for some friends has nothing to do with how much I love them. This is where the 'taking for granted' term comes in. In that, we're all subconsciously manipulative (for lack of a better word) albeit, to different degrees.

I have no opinion on this. Logically, yeah, now that I am aware, I'll definitely make more of an effort. But, on the whole, I'll always know what each friendship takes and supply at least the minimum.

Don't ever say 'I couldn't even if I wanted to'. That's a lie.

Loves me, loves me not, loves me, loves me not, loves me...

I saw a movie recently where the girl gives the guy one of those glass paperweights with the figurines inside and you shake it up good, tiny flakes give the impression of a white winter. My sister-in-law whispered in my ear, "That looks so good in the movie, but if someone gave it to you in real life..."
"...I'd throw it on his face, the cheap bastard!" And then we both laughed.

The more we know, the more mature we become, the more difficult to please. Suddenly, my boundary for sappy has gotten sharper. And then, very cruelly, I label the gifter as 'needy' or 'hopeless'. If I was landing at an airport and my friends/family got me flowers, I'd have laughed and teased them for welcoming me like a politician.

It's now so ridiculous to wait until the third date to hold hands, so old-school to be satisfied with just lovelorn looks. He should be ready and romantic and each anniversary demands more and more. A gift after candlelight. And there are two choices for the kind of gift expected--expensive or thoughtfully personalized.

There's multiple factors to this of course, such as, the person and also the thought/intention behind the act. But, for my part, I don't want to be the one ruining a good thing with my stupid notions of should-be. I want the sap back. I want 'corn' and 'cheese' and I want to be able delight in it. And I want to be touched to tears by old-world romance.

Ah, to be young and foolish again! :)

The Secret Ingredient of Fevicol

This post is a polished version of a 'happy' email sent to somebody a few months ago:
My best friend and me have almost nothing in common. Its a Hollywood vs Bollywood, Aerosmith vs Sukhwinder Singh, Outdoors vs Indoors kind of a friendship. We don't even have a common life anymore. So then, what do we talk about? How are we so close? Who knows!

One of my good friends since childhood, I was so rude to. I didn't notice her haircut, I didn't like her boyfriend(s), I called her fat--and yet, I was one of her best friends. I have friends that can get away with being lazy and snobbish and completely irrational and I just shrug and love them.

Where does that 'click' sound come from in these relationships? You can make long theories about great conversation or great laughs, or common hobbies, or common lifes...and I will give you an example of a close friend that refutes all of that.

We all know people who we meet after several years and it's not awkward or boring, it's so refreshing catching up with them. Obviously, we also know the opposite of that, and how draining it is even to make certain formality birthday/Diwali/congratulatory phonecalls.

I may wonder often what that inexplicable bonding factor is, but the truth is, I don't want to know. I like a little 'magic' in my equations, it makes me value these close relationships a little more. It's so beautiful when I shake hands with you and there's stars; it's so beautiful when we can be silent with each other; it's so beautiful when I can stare in the same direction with you; it's so beautiful when I can look ugly in front of you, it's so beautiful that I feel safe and calm when I'm with you. And, it's most beautiful, that its you!

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Happy Diwali and Saal Mubarak, everyone :)

What's the good word?

So, I need some advice. I need to know the correct facial expression and the correct thing(s) to say in the following situations--

1. Moms in grocery stores, malls, trains, restaurants with their 1/2 yr olds: As soon as you pass by to pick up a can of peas, there's a sudden surge of proactive parenting.
"Put that down, Cathy." The mother sees you coming closer.
The child is fidgety and curious, "What is it?"
"That's garbanzo beans."
"Garpachooo..."
"No...baby, gar-ban-zo, you remember we made that last Tuesday?" Then the mom will look at you. This is the key moment, where I mostly just smile. But, I'm pretty sure a compliment is needed. I need to know desperately what that compliment is! Anyway, I just take my peas and walk away as the mom continues explaining within my earshot.

Now, let me make an allegation here. If not for my presence, I think 8 out of 10 times, gar-ban-zo would be replaced by a firm "C'mon let's go. Put that down."

Please, please, I'm not judging. In fact, I wonder if I'll be this type of a mother, looking for strangers' approvals regarding how I treat my kids. Anyhow, right now, I am the stranger and I need to know the corresponding etiquette.

2. Friends reactions to mom's babies: This is close to the previous one. Say I'm with a bunch of my gal friends and we're shopping, suddenly there's cooing and wooing, "Awwwwwwwww!!!! So cute!!!" And then, before I know it, all my friends say nice things and circle around the baby, try to ask the name, and the poor tot scared hides behind his mother shyly answering so softly that the mother has to repeat the name louder for our benefit. Meanwhile, I'm two steps behind the crowd, clearly the bitch in the group. And there's an instance, when after all the compliments from all my friends are collected, the mother looks at me her eyes saying, 'Your turn!'. Another just-smile moment where I need to know the rules.

3. Going out with a couple: There's two subsections here. First, when they're 'loveying'. Most of the times, you'll notice that one of them is especially mushy and needy. They'll keep touching their mate or hugging or mock-whining. "I'm coooold." So, I don't know what to do when they're being like that. Am I supposed to look at them? Should I look away? It's even worse when the girl will hug the boy tight and ask me, "Awwww isn't he cute?!" Do I have to answer that?

Second is when they're fighting. And this is weird, because I'm what some 24 years old, so most of my friends don't really have hardcore issues. It's petty stuff like "Did you eat lunch today?" that can wait until after I leave.

Now, these individuals I do judge. Because, it does not not have to be like this. I have coupled friends who I love going out with because it's normal and I don't feel out of place in their conversations or interactions. I believe the insecure partners looking for my approval of their 'true love' act all overly couply in my presence. And quite frankly, it's just plain rude, kinda like being on the phone too long when you have company. My honest reaction to these moments is just boredom/annoyance, but that would be inappropriate especially since, most of the time, the guy pays for all of us ;)

4. When I'm asked to sing: After a lot of 'galaa kharaab hai' excuses, when the audience is finally set to listen, and the song is picked, I have no idea where to look while I'm singing. Do I look at one person, or the wall, or...the ceiling? Do I smile? Do I look sad?

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There's several more of these question-mark incidents that occur so frequently and I never really know how to be, what to say. So, if you don't have any suggestions for me either, I don't blame ya! :)

Congratulations! You're now a member.

In school we woke up early in the morning for physical education...or something to that effect. The extremely strict Ms. Karnik expected us to show up by the dining hall bell at 6:30 am sharp. Now, that word is italicized for a reason. Not a single minute late, not even 10 seconds late, or the entire house and class of the person had to take 3 rounds in the big field (see the one in the picture? That's just half the whole ground, it doesn't fit in the camera frame.). This was such a task especially in the monsoon, because as you can see, all the red dirt transformed to a nice mud paste and our footsteps sounded like pch! pch! pch! I got this punishment once, a girl in red house was late by a few seconds. I was in yellow house, but unfortunately she was in my class and it was horrible luck. Running the entire time, all the girls cursing and complaining under their breath, "It's not my fault! Why must I be punished?!" "What's the point of waking up early if you're going to be taking rounds anyway." "Dammit." "Shut up and run!"

Noone except the single girl was late, and yet everyone was punished for it. Kind of like when I'm in America, and a white man makes a comment about how WE smell. I smell good. Honey dew, or white tea and lilies, or something girly. But, I never say anything when someone says that. Because in that moment, as marvelous as I may smell, I am Indian. I represent the WE. And, I know, we do smell. (So do the White men, but that's a cheap shot.)

It is about time we embrace stereotypes and get a sense of humor about it. The first thing to realize is that stereotypes come about from statistics. The human brain has this amazing quality of learning from experience and this comes about from it's ability to quantify and make quick pie charts and histograms to make us see how a certain action leads to a certain result, how it is necessary to clutch our purses tight in a 'bad' neighborhood, how we should have an umbrella in the car in Houston weather, how we know the DMV will take 6 hours minimum because they're government workers. These distinctions of 'bad', Houston weather, govt snails did not just appear at birth, we know these by experience.

Similarly, stereotypes are formed by experience and the constant charting in the brain. Mr. A ate an apple for lunch. Mr. B ate an apple for lunch. Mr. V ate an apple for lunch. Mr. T ate an apple for lunch. Mr. A, Mr. B, Mr. V and Mr. T are.....redheads! Thus, redheads eat apples for lunch.

So then, what I don't understand is why stereotypes have a negative connotation. We all want to be a part of clubs, groups, clicks, and when we are matched to our type without even trying, we think it's insulting. Our individuality is lost. Now, that is just low self-esteem don't you think? When Sunita Rao gets on a spaceship, we're all happy and 'Yay! She's part of us!!!" But, when we steal towels from hotel rooms, and leave shabby tips, 'That's just them. We're not all like that.'

Firstly, our individuality is never lost. It's never ever going to be lost. There are at least a 100 people in everyone's life that know them by first and last name and personality. We cannot all be celebs, or that number would be much higher.
Second, stereotypes would not sting so much if we knew it wasn't true. For instance, if somebody tells me 'Oh, you Indians, all of you are fat." I'll make a confused face and probably shrug. I know skinny Indians, I know fat Indians. That's a dumb statement, not even worth correction.
Third, no matter what you tell them, unless they are willing to listen, India will always remain the land of snake-charmers and elephants walking in the middle of the road. So, the best thing to do is politely ask 'Do you want to know the truth?' before beginning the sermon of "No, no that's Sri Lanka not us! We got cows" :)

So, maybe people point at me and assume I oil my hair, bring a tiffin, am brilliant in computer engineering, wear oriental clothes, pray to the Cow everyday, can cook and eat very spicy food, and have lots of body hair. Less than half of that is true. But, yup! That's me. That's my people. And I love them for it.

It's only fair. Because, I point at them and think they're oh-so-dumb, eat bland food, wear shorts and chew gum all day, stink, sleep around a lot.

Let us all learn to make fun of ourselves. There is no minority and majority from the global perspective. Whoa whoa whoa, did I just find a solution to world peace?!

Grains of Salt & Glasses of Wine

This is a sad sad post. And only based on my own experience: so, optimists, hopers, lovers, cloud # 9ers, and all the happy people that enjoy Christmas and Diwali and look forward to sunrise and sunset--bugger off.

Meant-to-be is a tiny subset of made-for-each-other. Through no fault of anyones, things don't quite end up how you dreamed they would. And then, another aspect of maturity is expected to shine through: compromise.

I do not know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I believe it's like a bitter medicine. Blech!, but good for you; and slowly with regular use, you tend to get used to the bad taste.

Sometimes, strangely, I've discovered which circle I am in with regard to a man. For instance, I know my heart goes soft for a certain someone I cannot be with forever. The smart thing to do is to stay away, because I always want to love him; I always want him to love me. Forcing the meant-to-be down anyone's throat reverses that fondness. [It's the 'unlabeled box' from one of the earlier posts.]

And, the mistake that leads to eternal drama, and lots and lots of heartbreak, broken-hope kinda situations is when you incorrectly judge someone to be 'The One'. This is just an error, not a sin. This is where the previously mentioned compromise bit comes into play.

It's okay! It really really is. I have so much respect for people that realize this and move on, making the best of their current situation. Looking over your shoulder from time to time is normal, and man has geniusly invented liquor for reliving those golden moments as good memories, so vivid, so clear, as though the moment still exists. After all, more than anything, it's the feeling that we're attached to isnt it? And if I can neatly pack that feeling away, sealed with a key, so that I don't inadvertently hurt anybody, then my love(s) is always always safe with me.

This is a sad sad blog because whether we like it or not, its a life of strings. I do not believe in shrugging responsibilities and duties. I do not advocate eloping, or affairs, or ecstacy. Everything in its right place. Aaaaaaargh, the uncertain 20's!