What's the good word?

So, I need some advice. I need to know the correct facial expression and the correct thing(s) to say in the following situations--

1. Moms in grocery stores, malls, trains, restaurants with their 1/2 yr olds: As soon as you pass by to pick up a can of peas, there's a sudden surge of proactive parenting.
"Put that down, Cathy." The mother sees you coming closer.
The child is fidgety and curious, "What is it?"
"That's garbanzo beans."
"Garpachooo..."
"No...baby, gar-ban-zo, you remember we made that last Tuesday?" Then the mom will look at you. This is the key moment, where I mostly just smile. But, I'm pretty sure a compliment is needed. I need to know desperately what that compliment is! Anyway, I just take my peas and walk away as the mom continues explaining within my earshot.

Now, let me make an allegation here. If not for my presence, I think 8 out of 10 times, gar-ban-zo would be replaced by a firm "C'mon let's go. Put that down."

Please, please, I'm not judging. In fact, I wonder if I'll be this type of a mother, looking for strangers' approvals regarding how I treat my kids. Anyhow, right now, I am the stranger and I need to know the corresponding etiquette.

2. Friends reactions to mom's babies: This is close to the previous one. Say I'm with a bunch of my gal friends and we're shopping, suddenly there's cooing and wooing, "Awwwwwwwww!!!! So cute!!!" And then, before I know it, all my friends say nice things and circle around the baby, try to ask the name, and the poor tot scared hides behind his mother shyly answering so softly that the mother has to repeat the name louder for our benefit. Meanwhile, I'm two steps behind the crowd, clearly the bitch in the group. And there's an instance, when after all the compliments from all my friends are collected, the mother looks at me her eyes saying, 'Your turn!'. Another just-smile moment where I need to know the rules.

3. Going out with a couple: There's two subsections here. First, when they're 'loveying'. Most of the times, you'll notice that one of them is especially mushy and needy. They'll keep touching their mate or hugging or mock-whining. "I'm coooold." So, I don't know what to do when they're being like that. Am I supposed to look at them? Should I look away? It's even worse when the girl will hug the boy tight and ask me, "Awwww isn't he cute?!" Do I have to answer that?

Second is when they're fighting. And this is weird, because I'm what some 24 years old, so most of my friends don't really have hardcore issues. It's petty stuff like "Did you eat lunch today?" that can wait until after I leave.

Now, these individuals I do judge. Because, it does not not have to be like this. I have coupled friends who I love going out with because it's normal and I don't feel out of place in their conversations or interactions. I believe the insecure partners looking for my approval of their 'true love' act all overly couply in my presence. And quite frankly, it's just plain rude, kinda like being on the phone too long when you have company. My honest reaction to these moments is just boredom/annoyance, but that would be inappropriate especially since, most of the time, the guy pays for all of us ;)

4. When I'm asked to sing: After a lot of 'galaa kharaab hai' excuses, when the audience is finally set to listen, and the song is picked, I have no idea where to look while I'm singing. Do I look at one person, or the wall, or...the ceiling? Do I smile? Do I look sad?

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There's several more of these question-mark incidents that occur so frequently and I never really know how to be, what to say. So, if you don't have any suggestions for me either, I don't blame ya! :)

Congratulations! You're now a member.

In school we woke up early in the morning for physical education...or something to that effect. The extremely strict Ms. Karnik expected us to show up by the dining hall bell at 6:30 am sharp. Now, that word is italicized for a reason. Not a single minute late, not even 10 seconds late, or the entire house and class of the person had to take 3 rounds in the big field (see the one in the picture? That's just half the whole ground, it doesn't fit in the camera frame.). This was such a task especially in the monsoon, because as you can see, all the red dirt transformed to a nice mud paste and our footsteps sounded like pch! pch! pch! I got this punishment once, a girl in red house was late by a few seconds. I was in yellow house, but unfortunately she was in my class and it was horrible luck. Running the entire time, all the girls cursing and complaining under their breath, "It's not my fault! Why must I be punished?!" "What's the point of waking up early if you're going to be taking rounds anyway." "Dammit." "Shut up and run!"

Noone except the single girl was late, and yet everyone was punished for it. Kind of like when I'm in America, and a white man makes a comment about how WE smell. I smell good. Honey dew, or white tea and lilies, or something girly. But, I never say anything when someone says that. Because in that moment, as marvelous as I may smell, I am Indian. I represent the WE. And, I know, we do smell. (So do the White men, but that's a cheap shot.)

It is about time we embrace stereotypes and get a sense of humor about it. The first thing to realize is that stereotypes come about from statistics. The human brain has this amazing quality of learning from experience and this comes about from it's ability to quantify and make quick pie charts and histograms to make us see how a certain action leads to a certain result, how it is necessary to clutch our purses tight in a 'bad' neighborhood, how we should have an umbrella in the car in Houston weather, how we know the DMV will take 6 hours minimum because they're government workers. These distinctions of 'bad', Houston weather, govt snails did not just appear at birth, we know these by experience.

Similarly, stereotypes are formed by experience and the constant charting in the brain. Mr. A ate an apple for lunch. Mr. B ate an apple for lunch. Mr. V ate an apple for lunch. Mr. T ate an apple for lunch. Mr. A, Mr. B, Mr. V and Mr. T are.....redheads! Thus, redheads eat apples for lunch.

So then, what I don't understand is why stereotypes have a negative connotation. We all want to be a part of clubs, groups, clicks, and when we are matched to our type without even trying, we think it's insulting. Our individuality is lost. Now, that is just low self-esteem don't you think? When Sunita Rao gets on a spaceship, we're all happy and 'Yay! She's part of us!!!" But, when we steal towels from hotel rooms, and leave shabby tips, 'That's just them. We're not all like that.'

Firstly, our individuality is never lost. It's never ever going to be lost. There are at least a 100 people in everyone's life that know them by first and last name and personality. We cannot all be celebs, or that number would be much higher.
Second, stereotypes would not sting so much if we knew it wasn't true. For instance, if somebody tells me 'Oh, you Indians, all of you are fat." I'll make a confused face and probably shrug. I know skinny Indians, I know fat Indians. That's a dumb statement, not even worth correction.
Third, no matter what you tell them, unless they are willing to listen, India will always remain the land of snake-charmers and elephants walking in the middle of the road. So, the best thing to do is politely ask 'Do you want to know the truth?' before beginning the sermon of "No, no that's Sri Lanka not us! We got cows" :)

So, maybe people point at me and assume I oil my hair, bring a tiffin, am brilliant in computer engineering, wear oriental clothes, pray to the Cow everyday, can cook and eat very spicy food, and have lots of body hair. Less than half of that is true. But, yup! That's me. That's my people. And I love them for it.

It's only fair. Because, I point at them and think they're oh-so-dumb, eat bland food, wear shorts and chew gum all day, stink, sleep around a lot.

Let us all learn to make fun of ourselves. There is no minority and majority from the global perspective. Whoa whoa whoa, did I just find a solution to world peace?!

Grains of Salt & Glasses of Wine

This is a sad sad post. And only based on my own experience: so, optimists, hopers, lovers, cloud # 9ers, and all the happy people that enjoy Christmas and Diwali and look forward to sunrise and sunset--bugger off.

Meant-to-be is a tiny subset of made-for-each-other. Through no fault of anyones, things don't quite end up how you dreamed they would. And then, another aspect of maturity is expected to shine through: compromise.

I do not know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. I believe it's like a bitter medicine. Blech!, but good for you; and slowly with regular use, you tend to get used to the bad taste.

Sometimes, strangely, I've discovered which circle I am in with regard to a man. For instance, I know my heart goes soft for a certain someone I cannot be with forever. The smart thing to do is to stay away, because I always want to love him; I always want him to love me. Forcing the meant-to-be down anyone's throat reverses that fondness. [It's the 'unlabeled box' from one of the earlier posts.]

And, the mistake that leads to eternal drama, and lots and lots of heartbreak, broken-hope kinda situations is when you incorrectly judge someone to be 'The One'. This is just an error, not a sin. This is where the previously mentioned compromise bit comes into play.

It's okay! It really really is. I have so much respect for people that realize this and move on, making the best of their current situation. Looking over your shoulder from time to time is normal, and man has geniusly invented liquor for reliving those golden moments as good memories, so vivid, so clear, as though the moment still exists. After all, more than anything, it's the feeling that we're attached to isnt it? And if I can neatly pack that feeling away, sealed with a key, so that I don't inadvertently hurt anybody, then my love(s) is always always safe with me.

This is a sad sad blog because whether we like it or not, its a life of strings. I do not believe in shrugging responsibilities and duties. I do not advocate eloping, or affairs, or ecstacy. Everything in its right place. Aaaaaaargh, the uncertain 20's!

Grow up. It's not so bad.

Case 1: My father loves my mother. He has to throw her a 'surprise' birthday party every year--the only surprise being his style of announcing it. So one year it was rose petals. He refrigerated fresh roses till midnite and finally, when ma was asleep, carefully got the petals out into a bowl. We were in charge of cake and some surprise visitors. Bang 12 am (or pm depending how you look at it) everyone made noise to wake her up and papa very enthusiastically showered her with rose petals as she was getting up from the bed. She smiled at all of us and then suddenly remembering something, "Stop! Stop!! What are you doing?! We need to pick up the rose petals, they'll stain the tiles!" And, then everybody putting everything aside picked up the scattered flower remains grumbling.

Case 2: An old childhood friend suddenly calls me to announce, after three years, that she is going to be in Houston the very next day and will spend three days with me. "Tomorrow? Tomorrow?! Oh my god, I have to do laundry, vacuum, tidy up the apartment...not to mention shaving, waxing, plucking!"

It wasn't always like this was it? There was a time when we felt pure joy at these events, untainted by the miles-to-go-before-I-sleep tension. This is what decides the boundary between childhood and maturity, not age.

Before I get all the holier-than-thou comments on 'enjoy the moment' , 'live in the now', I want to clarify that I am not saying that this is a bad thing. With adulthood comes responsibility and with responsibility comes tension and this is how normal, non-Himalayan humans function. Osho ashram folks are calm and peaceful because they have nothing to do except sing songs, and meditate. In the real world, the world of Karma & Coffee, it's okay to frown.

If I was 6 and knew I had to clean up after my party, maybe I wouldn't spill so much. If my parents were filthy rich and I had a 24/7 array of maids, cooks, drivers, beauticians, cleaner-uppers, maybe I'd feel only happiness at my friends' impending arrivals. Its the state-of-moderation that we struggle to be in. Not toooo much fretting, not tooooo much enthusiasm.

Who says adults don't feel happiness? I do not agree with books that proclaim we need to go back to our childhood innocence, unlearn the lessons we learnt and experience true elation. Blah! As an adult, I have felt happiness for things I wouldn't notice as a child. If a car slows down to let me switch lanes, I am thrilled. I still want gold stars and smiley faces from my boss. Fresh hot coffee in the pot makes me smile. Reaching the light as it turns green, finding a parking spot on a busy day, don't tell me that doesn't make you jump a little inside.

A confession: I started this blog with the exact opposite intention. Of telling you to 'live in the now' and 'enjoy the moment' :) But, I changed my mind midway. There is too much pressure to live in the moment anyway. Nobody tells yu how much trouble you fall in, when you live in the big 'now' too much.

This or that? This AND that.

So, I was in midair for a long time deciding whether or not I wanted to do Phd or if I wanted to start hunting for jobs. After a lot of back and forth, I picked the latter. It was a scary thing to do, because now I AM in midair literally, and its probably the most adventurous thing I've ever done: stepping out of the comfort zone. Regardless, I gotta say, what a relief! Because, even if I was picking a temp life of uncertainty, in that I was certain.

It hit me today, while driving, how much it is in my very being, to postpone decisions. I was following the signs to get home and I realized that by default I aways pick the optional exit lane (white arrow, not the yellow), so I get until the last minute to change my mind. When I visit places, I overpack not so much because of paranoia but because I want the pleasure of the act of choosing what I am wearing. I take way longer than the average American for grocery-shopping: 'What brand of oats do I really want, and what flavor?'.

Men, movies, chips, clothes
Multiple choice, true/false... false is pronounced 'folse' just so it rhymes with clothes :)

So, too much caffeine-free analysis later (I remind you, I am jobless), this is where I stand: Love being certain, (but) hate making decisions. Dammit.

..tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock....

Doctors know that time heals. Engineers know that time destroys.

Timing is so important in relationships. Close friendships have crumbled because one of us waited too long--to say hi, to say we're sorry, to say I need you.

A few recent incidents made me extremely aware of this concept. Minor mishaps that could be fixed, the route was extremely clear for both parties. But, we waited too long. We waited to run into each other at common events, we waited till geography worked in our favor, we waited till it was so convenient that it was harder to avoid.
"Oh hello! Long time, what are you doing here!!"
"Yes, I'm back. I wasn't gone too long was I? Now let's talk."

It doesn't work that way though. The time bomb just goes off and the bell rings and anything after that for some reason only makes things worse. Then, you can allow time to heal. But, time heals, time doesn't fix.

We're all human and we're all friends. And in friendship, so many lines are frequently crossed. The best thing about friendship is that the same rules that apply for other people do not apply to you. You're allowed special priveleges: you can wake me up at 4am and I won't kill you, you can tell me I cook bad, you can tell me my boobs are too small, and most especially, you will be forgiven for (almost) everything way too easily.

And yet, we use the Doctor viewpoint. We wait for Mr. Time to make things better so we don't have to use a high dose. Why don't I clean up the wound when its fresh? There is something that makes it so difficult for me to say the words 'Sorry. I was wrong.' and I think blaming the ego for yet another flaw is way too easy. It all comes down to choices. What is more important-this or that? And we chose 'that'.

Enter the good ol' Engineers.
'We know that':
Too much time = too much wear-and-tear,
also, Drift α Time.

We don't have our own tv show, we don't look sexy in our Fall Collection of Industrial Factory Wear, we get dark circles when we work nights, and we look out of place drinking fancy-colored cocktails. But, we fix things as soon as they break. Pick us.

Reporting Live...

You know how they say that media and news and movies represent the current state of the affairs, a reflection on society so to speak. I just found another brand new, untainted source yesterday: kids! When they're playing their games, kids are the truest representation of the adult life. And lately, with this new extra-smart, technologically-enhanced generation, their outlook on adult life is not just confined to what they see their parents doing, it also includes television shows, aunts and uncles, friends...

If you're observant enough, you will see how they spoof grownups in their own naive way. Several years ago, my little sister would try to be my mom and it was adorable to watch her tiny arms and legs multitask--phone, rubbing her daughter's legs, and browsing through a magazine at the same time.

And yesterday, I was hit by the latest in evolution. My nephew and niece were playing house, and they were mom-and-dad to a whole collection of teddy bears. One day, a parent had to stay home with the babies. And as Mom ran off, Dad protested, "But, I want to go to the party with you!" She angrily came back and told him "I will not play with you. Stay here and read them a book." She threw a book at him and ran off again to the other room to do better things. And Dad had to stay home and read to the kids.

So, what's the story where you are?